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I'm in New York. I've been in New York for almost a week now. I just flew back from California because Alex was working on rehabbing that hand of his and we just kinda -- got sick of each other? We didn't have a big fight or anything, just need space. We've been all over each other for the past two months, not just sexually but like ... around each other all the time. It gets smothering and I hate that. He hates that. I figured, let me come out to New York, visit fam, politic, all that nonsense. Since I've been back ... I ran into someone. Jose. Mr. Jose Ambrose. Odd, right? Right. I haven't seen him in ... well, a long time. It was odd running into him at my younger brothers house. Business as usual with them, but it kinda caught be off guard -- even though I know they all still do business and such.
" Losing you is like living in a world with out air. "
It was really hard just seeing him there, I walked into the house my normal chipper self talking about some mess I'd seen outside -- some kids that were no older then 15 waiting for work. I always hated them using kids to do their business, but when I saw him standing in the opening to the living room I kinda just shut up. Like ... "oh." I said "hi" and smiled before walking off into the kitchen to do something to keep myself busy while he was still there. It wasn't because I didn't want to talk to him or see him, I just didn't want to bring up old feelings/memories and all that other stuff. That's a closed chapter, right? Wrong. Just seeing him made me feel all funky inside, you know what I mean? That tingly feeling you get in your stomach.
" Wish there was a way that I can make you understand. "
People around us always figured we were perfect for one another. He was my Clyde and I was his Bonnie. Sometimes. We fought a lot. I was different back then. I was still needy and lovey-dovey and wanted his attention all the time. He couldn't give me that. He had/has a "business" to run. I wanted time, affection, care. He wanted company that wasn't as ugly as his boys, and smarter then them, too. I always figured that it was only a plus that I was the sister of his biggest competition and that the fact that the ended all their differences [them = my brother Cory and him] BECAUSE we were together, and not that we were together to end the drama.
" I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew. "
There was nothing I didn't do for that relationship, though. I did everything I could to keep everything from falling apart. I now realize that maybe there just wasn't anything to keep together. Money needed to be delivered and none of the people he truly trusted were around? I did it. Cash needed to be counted? I did it. Things needed to be packaged? I helped. Someone said something about him? I responded to that. He needed me to back him up on something? I was there. He wanted to talk about plans, future, things being set into motion, people he needed to handle? I was there to listen. When he was pissed and needed to vent? I listened. He sometimes even took out his frustrations on me and I dealt with all of it to keep things together because I thought it was worth it. Our image was so good that I thought it had to be right.
" But, somehow I'm still alive inside. I don't know how, but I don't even care. "
We only shared those two words when I came in and I can't stop thinking about him. Again. I used to be able to block it all out and just move on, but I can't say that I don't miss him. That doesn't mean I'm going to the ends of the earth to do something about missing him. Missing someone is like ... missing a certain comfort. You're used to getting your nails done every week, money is tight? You do it every few weeks, or not at all. You used to party every weekend, get fucked up? You caught a DUI, you stop doing it. Same shit. Hopefully, I don't see him again. For my sake, and maybe his.
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